Read into it...

Reason to Write

2012-02-02T11:23:00.000-08:00

I am flawed; in fact, I have more flaws than most people. This is why I love writing so much: It gives me a chance to escape my imperfect life and, through the power of anonymous creativity, make something greater than myself. At least then I don't feel so flawed.

This Life

2012-02-01T18:55:00.000-08:00

On his first birthday, he got a stuffed bear.

On his sixteenth birthday, he got a car.

For his graduation from high school, he got a scholarship.

For his graduation from college, he got a job.

For his promotion at work, he bought a house.

On his wedding day, he got a ring.

When his first son was born, he got the baby a stuffed bear.

On his son's sixteenth birthday, he got his son a car.

On his fiftieth birthday, he got a cancer diagnosis.

As a result, he never got to see his son graduate from high school or college; he never had the chance to see his son get a job and buy a house; and he never got a chance to see his son marry a beautiful wife and then raise a family.

All of these thoughts were in the periphery, however, because the only thought that really mattered to him was that his life, such a success by many standards, was so very

ordinary.

Thoughts During a Warm Winter

2012-01-31T12:54:00.000-08:00

Another day, another dollar. Another month, another goal. Another year, another failure. What is he doing wrong?

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the only freak of nature there is: a happy man.

I never told you once because you already know it.

How it is a blessing to be this cursed!

The mirror is ugly.

They took out part of my brain; now the world makes sense.

He loves how you care without caring.

I Am

2012-01-30T18:07:00.000-08:00

I am a bright light in a blind world,

a beautiful melody among deaf ears,

a voice to the unspoken.

You will only know I'm here

by the way your sleep is restful.

There is infinite joy here

if you are willing

to open your eyes,

to listen,

to be mindful;

otherwise, you are bound

to forget your dreams.

Rest

2012-01-29T07:25:00.000-08:00

He didn't want to die

to end his suffering;

he wanted to die

because he sought

rest.

A Better World

2012-01-29T07:23:00.000-08:00

There is a better world.

It doesn't come after this world.

It doesn't exist in a distant place.

It isn't in the past or the future.

There is a better world;

we just need to make it

our world

now.

I Dreamt I Was a Philosopher

2012-01-27T11:55:00.001-08:00

There are brief moments of absolute unity and harmony, when all is sublime, then interrupted by the persistent thought that we are our own separate selves, given to self-preservation and ego affirmations. These thoughts build walls between us. I climb those walls with every magnificent moment, catching a glimpse of the Oneness behind it all.

I try to show you what I see,
but you don't like poetry.

A Boy and His Dog

2012-01-26T18:49:00.001-08:00

What follows is the story of a boy and his dog. They spent hours on end playing fetch. And whenever they got tired, he would rub the belly of the dog, the favorite pet who would often rest at the boy's feet. Such comfort and security. The dog knew the boy would never hurt him. But the boy didn't realize the dog wasn't as gentle.

One day, the boy saw that the dog was underneath a table, gnawing at something. The boy thought it was the ball. He approached the dog, hoping to play fetch. The dog barked while lunging at the boy. The dog was eating scraps of food he found in the kitchen, and he wasn't about to have it taken from him. With primal ferocity, the dog took a bite out of the boy's thigh.

The boy mustered the strength to go to the vet with his parents. The boy cried as his best friend took his last breath. Then the boy looked at the myriad stitches on his leg, a tangled weave of swollen knots, and his memory of why he was there dried his tears. The sheer ambivalence of the moment left him listless. This is the story of a boy and his dog.

Moonlighting

2012-01-25T20:12:00.001-08:00

My head is heavier than my heart
with thoughts vying for emotions.
One pill dries your tears,
another wipes away your tears,
and the other keeps you from feeling your tears.
Biochemistry is a science of delicate balances.
Wake me when the sun shines in my mind.

Judge Me

2012-01-24T18:38:00.001-08:00

Judge me.
God knows
I'm innocent.

Reading into It

2012-01-23T16:29:00.001-08:00

There are no lines
to read between.
There are only
silent moments
of shared meaning.

Putting It Together

2012-01-22T12:10:00.000-08:00

She said she adores me

because I am

so put together.

Later she told me

it would never work

between us

because I am always

falling apart.

I'm glad we never fell in love.

Truth Be Told

2012-01-21T17:21:00.001-08:00

I seek the truth.
Once I find the truth,
I disguise it in metaphors
and leave it for the rest
of the world to find.
Truth be told.

Cash Only

2012-01-20T22:01:00.001-08:00

Money makes the world go 'round,
unless you want a sustainable world.
For some reason you've chosen greenbacks over green trees, the economy over ecology, the end over renewal. Make your move. The earth is dying to know how you'll create new jobs.

Miraculous

2012-01-19T12:07:00.001-08:00

Of all this yearning,
left empty and wanting
something more.

Of joyless expressions
and pitiless actions,
fulfilled only
by the meaningless.

Of spirit-deep sadness,
only water into wine
will brighten this day.

But it's a miracle the sun even rises.

Buyer Beware

2012-01-18T15:15:00.001-08:00

He was damned
so he sold his soul.
There is no screening
for souls on the market.
Buyer beware.

Playing the Role of Jesus

2012-01-17T14:50:00.001-08:00

When I was a child, my role model was Jesus Christ. I soon realized that the only way I could truly be like him was if I died tragically. I opted to live. Now my only role model is myself.

Dreams

2012-01-16T17:52:00.001-08:00

Ask yourself if your dreams are honorable and true. See how likely it is that your dreams come true. Are your dreams important and inspiring enough to mobilize millions and effect change? Or maybe your dreams are just that--dreams. Decide on those dreams; the world is waiting.

As a Matter of Fact

2012-01-15T18:13:00.000-08:00

As a matter of fact,

death is fiction.

As a matter of truth,

life is love.

As a matter of spirit,

love is all that matters.

Our Best

2012-01-14T15:15:00.001-08:00

At the end of it all

we'll say we did our best.

An earth-shattering meteor will respond,

saying our best wasn't good enough.

What Are You?

2012-01-13T13:48:00.001-08:00

They said color within the lines

so I drew new lines.

They said not to push the envelope

so I opened it instead.

They said not to rock the boat

so I hopped on an airplane.

They asked me to tell the truth

so I stopped going to church.

They told me to watch my mouth

so I closed my eyes.

They asked if I knew what I was doing

so I laughed like a madman.

I am progress.

What are you?

An Economy-Size Life

2012-01-12T18:02:00.001-08:00

I knew you before you let yourself get sucked into the empty world of selling out. You bought into something that the former you would hate you for. You make tons of money. But those dollar bills don't make you feel less alone at night. Your family is losing touch. Your friends are disillusioned. And you keep making money, as if that will offer some consolation. Pay the creditors. Buy all those fancy things that make you feel important. All the money in the world doesn't make up for the fact that you help sell things for a living, things that are mostly unnecessary. Your former self expected you to do something spectacular with your life by now, something so great it would ripple across the universe, a shooting star shining so bright. But you have chosen to be a fallen star--nothing but dull rock on the ground, absent of its former luster. All that money can't bring back your starlight. But at least now you can buy that status car you've always secretly wanted.

History of My Intimacy

2012-01-12T17:45:00.001-08:00

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree

unless Eve takes a bite out of it first.

Acid Flashback

2012-01-10T16:46:00.001-08:00

I vow to be

better than me

in memory.

If only I could

remember

who that was.

Repenting/Putting Out the Hellfire

2012-01-09T16:36:00.001-08:00

He goes from wanting to end it all, this average existence, to loving every little thing about life, from the weakness in his lover's voice to the strength in her hugs. This is bitter and sweet as he feels fulfilled or empty at any given time, with each feeling churning in the pit of his stomach, acidic and warm as his body shakes with chills. Every blessing makes every curse worse; every curse makes every blessing best. His life is one of stark contrasts. He has got heaven and hell battling for supremacy in his mind; all the while, his body feels light with ecstasy or heavy with brimstone depending on the moment. He is working to let the hellfire light his heart, his brain more gray matter than black and white neural pathways, his spirit as sinister as it is sacred and good and true. The balance will come, if only for a solitary and glorious sublime moment. But today he is all hellfire, knowing that tomorrow he will be good enough as to forgive himself.

The Last Lost Stanza of the Last Man on Earth

2012-01-08T15:48:00.000-08:00

All I really wanted

was to rest in peace.

The Patriot

2012-01-07T17:21:00.001-08:00

They told him he should make a difference, so he picked up a gun. It was the only difference he knew.

At the funeral, they gave his wife a flag. He made a difference alright, and now that difference would be known by his kids who would grow up without a father.

Senseless

2012-01-06T11:57:00.001-08:00

Driven by an unknown urge to make a mess of everything, he reached for his girlfriend, grabbing air. She was wise to his toxic nature. He was harmful to her health; in fact, he was harmful to everyone's health, and he was the only one who didn't realize this fact. He felt unloved and alone, but rather than improve his life, limiting his toxicity, he assumed it was the world around him that didn't make sense. Only a senseless world would have no interest in him, he thought. It wasn't until he watched his girlfriend shrug off his consolation when her father died of cancer that he realized just how senseless this world was.

The Circus Is in Town

2012-01-05T16:39:00.001-08:00

Come gather around and watch the show--the circus is in town. The loser is now a winner, and the elephants know they are in a circus. Admission is free today--anything to get an audience. You'll watch and be entertained, and then you'll just leave, with peanut shells crushed below your feet like so many wild and empty "greatest-show-on-earth" claims.

These Words Mean Worlds

2012-01-04T16:40:00.001-08:00

Whenever I feel alone,
I create a world of characters
to entertain me with their triumphs and shortcomings.

Whenever I can't find peace of mind,
I write the words that I know will calm me.

Whenever I am sad,
I laugh at the tears
through poetry.

These words mean worlds.

Personal Belonging

2012-01-03T18:10:00.001-08:00

Please remember to take your personal belongings with you as you leave. Please try to find some sort of personal belonging in a world of isolation.

The Eternal Pessimist

2012-01-02T18:07:00.001-08:00

Do not attempt to adjust your world view;
we all die in the end anyway.

Life of a Dog

2012-01-01T17:12:00.000-08:00

I imagined I was a dog, and all there was for me to do in a short life was sleep, play, walk, eat, and drink. When I realized I was human, stuck with bills, a job, family obligations, and a long life rife with struggles, I wasn't sure if I'd prefer the shorter life of a dog.

Year in Review

2011-12-31T15:20:00.001-08:00

We
will
do
better
next
year.

Losing It

2011-12-30T20:12:00.001-08:00

Do you know what it feels like
to completely and absolutely
lose it?
Imagine your head floating with the clouds
and your body trapped beneath the ground.
That's almost like losing it
except, when you do lose it, you forget

that you even have a head and body.

How Do You Do

2011-12-29T10:36:00.001-08:00

How do you do?
Pleased to meet you.
But really, how do you do?
I wonder how do you do
while I'm busy being.

So I Picked Up a Pen

2011-12-28T10:46:00.001-08:00

We hadn't talked in months. Living a continent apart makes it difficult to stay close. I thought of her that day. I started to write her a letter expressing how much I missed her. As I put my pen to paper, miles of oceans away she was taking one too many pills. My letter would never get to her. If only I sent it sooner, maybe those pills would go back in their bottle. My darling friend--I would never see her alive again. Years later I would write her another letter, once again telling her how much I missed her. This time would be different. This time I felt like she would get to read my letter somehow. Only in dreams and faint memories would she exist to me, but she would always know how much I miss her.

This Is What I've Got

2011-12-27T11:15:00.001-08:00

I've got silence
stuck in my throat,
and only a loving glance
will get me talking again.

I've got trouble
circling my head
like vultures,
and only replacing those vultures
with a halo
will grant me a carefree life.

I've got dreams
committed to the page
while my body is committed
to a psych ward,
and only a world
that is a little crazy
will see more than a label
attached to my name.

An Excerpt from The Book of the Dead

2011-12-26T16:25:00.001-08:00

If you're reading this,
you're already dead.

What I Learned

2011-12-25T19:22:00.000-08:00

I learned so many lessons,

but I forgot them all

once I fell in love.

Then I learned other lessons

with my lover,

but I forgot them all

once I ended up alone again.

Now I'm just trying

to relearn all those lessons

and maybe learn something else too.

Disappearing Act

2011-12-24T16:22:00.000-08:00

The world is disappearing before our eyes,

and all we can do is pretend we see nothing.

Soon there will be nothing left to see.

Proof of the Existence of God

2011-12-23T13:47:00.001-08:00

Statements
1. Beautiful music brings your heart peace.
2. Powerful words make you think.
3. Profound movies move you to tears.
4. Love is the light that sees you through the dark.
5. God exists.

Reasons
1. It sounds like something from a better world.
2. They make sense of a senseless world.
3. They teach you things about yourself you did not know.
4. It grants you the guidance toward infinite joy.
5. You exist.

The Lost Stanzas of the Last Man on Earth, Part III

2011-12-22T16:24:00.001-08:00

Lead a life
that no one
follows.

Plan for the worst;
strive for the best.

Make today
the last day
of just another day.

Greatness is subjective.
Did I mention I'm great?

Lonely, he sits and wonders
how he can afford
to give his love away
when he receives none.

Gather your thoughts,
then hunt for answers.

This is a trip.
Anything less
would be boring.

These City Streets

2011-12-21T16:07:00.001-08:00

The man on the street bangs on buckets, interjecting his incisive political commentary between downbeats with concise sentences. The affluent streetwalker passes him every evening, happy that someone is willing to make music instead of begging. The man on the street performs as if he is the only show in town, eyes energetic with the city lights reflected in his irises. The streetwalker listens closely every day. The man on the street drums to the streetwalker's mood. Yesterday was upbeat after the streetwalker got to leave work early. Today was a slow jam as the streetwalker met a beautiful woman's glance, her long lashes highlighting the bright green of her eyes, her purple skirt low enough to dance in the wind yet high enough to leave men walking the streets pining for her. Tomorrow he will not leave work early. Tomorrow there will be no beautiful woman with long lashes and a short skirt. Tomorrow the streetwalker will have no soundtrack as he walks. Tomorrow the man on the street will stop banging on those buckets. The man on the street is now off the street, spending his time making money, becoming a streetwalker. There will be no music tomorrow. And the streetwalker will have to find a more lively route.

This Ridiculous World

2011-12-20T11:23:00.001-08:00

This ridiculous world
leaves me sad and confused,
content and certain.

This ridiculous world
is an unwanted gift,
a cherished present.

This ridiculous world
makes me alone
in a crowd of familiar faces.

This ridiculous world
is so ridiculous
that it makes me laugh
with tears in my eyes,
it surprises me
with more of the same,
it grants me solitude
and togetherness
simultaneously.
How ridiculous.

The Lost Stanzas of the Last Man on Earth, Part II

2011-12-19T17:38:00.001-08:00

I know I'm supposed to love you,
but you sometimes make it so difficult.

If I had a dream worth realizing,
I would remember it when I finally wake up.

There is a joy I will never know
because I am alone in this.

Hope melts in my heart,
heated by how wrong it all is.

I count my blessings because they
are numbered like my days.

I know there is something more,
but it now means nothing to me.

I'm so true to myself
that I'm forever alone.

The World Wide Web of You

2011-12-18T20:31:00.000-08:00

The world will know everything about you.

You are not fine with this

because there are parts of yourself

that you just don't like.

Soon the world will know

what there is not to like

about you.

Hopefully, the world has different taste

than you do.

This Silence

2011-12-17T11:19:00.001-08:00

There is a silence
that moves between us
with the strength and wonder
of meditative tranquility.
It is there when words
are not enough;
it is there when words
are too much.
We share this silence,
smiles on our faces
and eyes lit with thought.
This silence is knowing
that love and joy
are mutual feelings
often better left unsaid.

My Company

2011-12-16T12:52:00.000-08:00

I am excluded,

but I do not mind.

I will take my own company,

silent and peaceful,

over mindless chatter

any day.

His Steady Hands

2011-12-15T10:44:00.001-08:00

His steady hands have seen him through surgeries, reassurance of friends, and woodwork. His steady hands gave a man a new heart yesterday so he could live long enough to see his kids have kids. His steady hands stopped his best friend from crying after her mom died. His steady hands built a treehouse for the neighbor's kids. But now, as he stands before his wife, watching her frailty consume her, become her, a thin eggshell of a cancerous body, once radiating with life now riddled with radiation, he knows his steady hands won't do any good this time. She weakly reaches for his hands, his steady hands, and says so much without any words, her tears filling photo albums. This time, his hands shook in jitters. Life would never be the same.

Deep Breath

2011-12-14T19:36:00.001-08:00

Fresh air
is Nature's
sigh of relief.

Relative to this,
our sighs of relief
are wasted breath.

Now
breathe
deeper.

Buried Treasure

2011-12-13T15:50:00.001-08:00

I treasure what's buried within every heart,
and I see beyond sight to embrace
what most declare isn't there.
It is such a moving endeavor,
this seeing behind things.
If you don't believe me,
watch the invisible wind
make itself seen in the rustling leaves.

The Lost Stanzas of the Last Man on Earth, Part I

2011-12-12T16:52:00.001-08:00

Wipe that smile off your face
before someone thinks you're crazy.

Applaud the jester
because he laments his life's work.

Break their hearts
before they break yours.

Say goodbye to those you despise
and farewell to the ones you love.

We will laugh about this
once we accept this as a game.

I got lost in her eyes
and then she blinked.

Signed yours truly
as opposed to yours falsely.

They

2011-12-11T14:00:00.000-08:00

They believe in destruction. They don't care much for creation. Most creations are wastes of their time. They keep tearing things down because they know anything built up will be misused and abused. When babies cry, they scream, "Shut up!" Then they walk away, searching for silence. They only care about today. To them, yesterday was a mistake and the future doesn't exist. They will get everything they want out of today and kill away any sense of sustenance in this world. They live to see things die. And they have control of this world.

Birdwatching

2011-12-10T16:19:00.000-08:00

He watches the birds fly away from him, knowing they are not interested in his interest in them. They've got better places to migrate to than anywhere he presents himself. He studies them. Their every move fascinates him. He feigns disinterest whenever they notice him caring. It's too much pressure for him to be like everyone else. He will be expected to do right by them. He has enough trouble taking care of himself. He is bound to have trouble taking care of himself and someone else. So he just watches the birds fly away from him, knowing he is better off as an observer.

Make It Up as We Go Along

2011-12-09T11:08:00.001-08:00

I learned it all.
I mastered it.
And then I found out
that everyone makes it up
as they go along.
Now I will teach people
to be more imaginative.

It Is What It Is

2011-12-08T11:35:00.001-08:00

It is what it is,
self-referential
and cryptic,
declared after years
of being defined
by what it is not.

I am who I am,
self-confident
and different,
offering no apologies
for defining myself
with enigmatic terminology.

There is no escaping
the nature of things.

No Complaints

2011-12-07T11:05:00.001-08:00

He is silent. As the world makes noise compiling a list of complaints, he builds a better world by keeping silent and continuing life with patience, frustrated only by the incessant whining of the world around him. Many people have complaints to issue; very few are willing to resolve their concerns by their own efforts. So he keeps silent, doing what he thinks is best since complaining about it will only add to the frustration.

No Time Like the Present

2011-12-06T19:53:00.001-08:00

There is no time like the present
except when you are living in the past.
He keeps more memories than friends.
And he's forgotten how bright his future can be.
He needs a reminder;
he needs a wake-up call.
He needs today
to be
nothing like yesterday.

Burning

2011-12-05T11:54:00.001-08:00

They say I'm going to burn in hell
for believing in being God;
I say I'm burning with a passion
that lights my eyes and boils my blood
just enough for me to change the world
as if I were a sculptor or a painter
with the power of Creation in my hands.

They say I'm going to burn in hell
for knowing what's right in this world
is not good and true,
for knowing that love
is a renewable resource,
for knowing that there is really no
end.

They say I'm going to burn in hell,
and I say it's already getting hot in here.
I'm already burning and so are they.
They are too busy daydreaming of a God above
to put out the fire at their feet.

A Wish

2011-12-04T14:12:00.000-08:00

I wish they had told me
when I was a kid
that my allowance
wouldn't buy me
a sustainable smile.

Reality Check

2011-12-03T14:55:00.001-08:00

What we think is progress
is more steps toward chaos
as we regress, unlearning
everything that was worth teaching.
We cannot be forgiven
for this mess we've made
and we'll never be able
to clean ourselves up.
Now pass me the remote.

Language of Joy

2011-12-02T05:16:00.001-08:00

I often wonder what it's like to look forward to each day. I even have trouble understanding people who do. I don't seem to speak their language of joy. If I did, I wouldn't be fluent. My joy is hard-earned and in limited supply. How they manage to be blissful so easily and perpetually is beyond me. Was I raised to be melancholic? Is sadness in my genes? Or maybe I think too much. Regardless, I'm still looking forward enough to each day to get out of bed In the morning; that's a start.

Killing Time

2011-12-01T18:55:00.001-08:00

I'm killing time
making money.
I once spent my time
creating something
timeless;
now I just kill time,
wasting my talents
and intellect
on apparently useless
knowledge.
Yes, I'm just killing time,
but I'm really hoping
my time will mean
enough to me
again someday
so that I can
create something
timeless
before I completely
kill
time
dead.

Masterwork in Progress

2011-11-30T18:03:00.001-08:00

Everybody has somebody, which is why a nobody like me has no one. I watch young lovers pass, hands clasped. I listen to flirtatious giggles and joyous bellowing. I know most everyone is together and yet I am alone in this companionate world. This is not self-pity; this is not even a call for mercy. I sometimes get lost in desiring that which others have, especially a love of their own. And then I remember that my dreams cannot be shared, that my bed is a single, that my life is too much for anyone else to bear. Once I remember that, I am content in my selfless desire to keep my chaos at a distance from everybody.

I told her I would keep a closely guarded heart until I meet another kindred spirit like her. She told me to keep it open. We have never spoken again since then.

I tried explaining to the doctor that I no longer have a heart. He listened to the lifeless silence throughout my hollow chest. He said I was perfectly healthy. I told him I knew that already: I was too good for this world. Defense mechanisms become delusions to keep my ego safe as I claim heartless conceit as my bride. We will make beautiful indifferent love.

I am alone, but I know how not to be lonely. I look forward to life each day because maybe I'll show the world just how much better I am than it. It's a game with no end, no winner, and countless losers. But I don't really see that, yet.

She will lift me up from this deceptive projection, this being better, this isolation. Her touch will humble me. All these years of suffering in silence will give way to joy--bold and loud and brilliant. She will get me out of my head for once, and I will thank her by showing that I'm always becoming a better person because I'm not better than anyone; I'm a work in progress like the rest of us. The masterwork has yet to be finished; it's in the creation of a masterpiece that we see ourselves for who we truly are. I will keep at it, knowing it will not end, because I will love her with a vibrant love undying.

Thoughts Falling in Autumn

2011-11-29T17:58:00.001-08:00

She read once that emotion is counter to reason. Her tears accompanied her decision to put her baby up for adoption. No, emotion is not counter to reason; emotion is the result of reasonable decisions.

Like a fiendish puppeteer, he writes his own life story with voodoo-prophetic precision. It's too bad he can't think what to write about other than tragedy.

They said we will struggle no more. To prove them wrong, we stared into the sun.

I have all the answers; I choose to be wrong.

Tomorrow is worth living through today.

Dreams keep us awake at night. All those dreams, they are unfulfilled as we pursue them with sleepless nights as our rest and insufferable silence as our direction.

Think. Now think again. The world changes every second.

Walking Through

2011-11-28T05:14:00.001-08:00

There were two doors through which he could pass. The first one helped him realize his ambition; the second one helped him to be satisfied with his life. He stood before the doors frozen, contemplating which one to enter. It would have been a much easier decision for him had he known that both doors take him to the same perfect place.

Not Normal, Whatever That Is

2011-11-19T23:06:00.001-08:00

I have known since a very young age that what is considered normal is not for me. In fact, I am much more disturbed by what this world considers normal than what it might consider abnormal. Oddly enough, what the world sees in me as abnormal I view as exceptional. I try my best not to judge, but it's difficult when you don't fit in to the definitions of what is normal or relatively normal by societal standards. I choose self-improvement over self-destruction. While the world seems to tear itself down, I build myself up, hoping to one day elevate my self-improvement to Self-improvement because I am blindly hopeful enough to think others will ever reach their potential. The saddest part of this is that I know that, should I fail in doing all this, the so-called "normal" world will probably look at me with indifference and laugh, saying, "We always knew our potential for greatness; we simply chose to ignore it." It is then that I will choose to ignore this world.

Written on a Train, Part II

2011-11-18T19:03:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to do this NANOWRIMO, but it's tough. Here's another one written on the train with my phone:

Chapter 2: The Chaos of His Mind

At a young age, he had his light snuffed out by the nature of things. His carefree wonder was replaced with self-censorship as everything he said and did was carefully analyzed by the authority figures haunting his mind well into adulthood. Life was not as simple and beautiful as he thought as a child. Life was a disastrous mess of uncertainty, fear, and silent resignation. Life was the inverse of bliss. Life was complicated. He struggled to maintain a love of the world around him, even as it seemed to be collapsing into itself with every unfortunate circumstance. He strived to follow the rules, strictly and without deviation. This self-imposed denial of leniency fostered a chaos within him, one that would be held to the confines of his mind only long enough to make him appear as withdrawn as everyone else. The reality of his mind was that it was involved, deeply involved, in everything such that every moment was his moment, every word had him as its topic, and everything was in relation to him. And then it reached its limit.

Like a computer overloaded with data, his mind shut down. Thoughts raced the tracks of his mind, scorching the neural trail until there was nothing left. It was the effects of abiding by the rules strictly and consistently. His mind would need a reboot; otherwise, he would alter the world around him to fit his deluded perception. It would be much safer to shut down, but he was tempted to let go of rules entirely, giving up on order altogether and giving in to the chaos of his mind. He tried to sleep it off, but his overtired mind kept him awake with paranoia. No shutting down. The hell of his chaotic mind had frozen over, irrationality pervading his world, inescapable in its abandonment of logic. He was lost inside his own mind; it was only a matter of time before he was completely lost.

Written on a Train

2011-11-04T20:22:00.000-07:00

I'm trying my best to participate in NANOWRIMO (National Novel Writing Month---www.nanowrimo.org), but the only free time I have is while I'm riding a train to work. And I've been writing with my phone. Here's what I wrote on one of my trips:

Chapter 1: The Beggar and the Worker

The man, dressed for winter with a puffy black coat and a large hat, watched the leaves swirl with autumn wind, his feet weary from all the walking, his spirit crestfallen as his stomach gnawed at itself. He has a family with kids who need to be taken care of, but no one on these streets seems to care as they ignore or avoid him, their eyes focused ahead. Then there was the man who stopped and listened, looking directly into the downtrodden man's eyes, treating him like any other person.

"Thank you for stopping," the beggar said, biting his upper lip, quivering. "Do you know if there is a church that serves food around here?"

"I'm not sure," the man who cares responded, reaching into his long black coat's pockets to shield the wind. Really he didn't care where the churches were; since college, he has considered religion unnecessary for those who are self-actualized, a clever way to manufacture goodness and fulfillment without having to honestly care. Perhaps this is his mistake. Regardless, he asked the beggar what he needed.

"Could you buy me some food?"

"I don't give out handouts."

The beggar sunk in his skin, his pocketed face eclipsed by a frown.

The man who cares continued caring. "But maybe if you did something for me, I could pay you for it."

"What is it?"

"Shine my shoes." He reached into his bag and pulled out a handkerchief. They went into the nearby lobby of a business center. He moistened the cloth with water from the fountain. "There. Now make it such that I can see my face in those shoes."

The beggar took the cloth with some apprehension; something about this seemed humiliating, the thought that he would be at this man's feet, polishing his shoes, while other people went about their days and other beggars panhandled for the same money. But he had come this far, so there was no reason for him to stop now.

He started cleaning off the dirt and removing the scuff marks. People that walked by stared, knowing that this man's disheveled appearance made him anything but professional. He finished with both shoes quickly and then was surprised at criticism.

"Try to get rid of that mark there."

Feeling the eyes of passersby on him, judging him for resorting to this, he shook, his hands trembling at the thought of failing and not getting paid. He worked harder. He spent even more time, trying to make those shoes shine. The beggar was now the worker. The man who cares had to be the one to tell him to stop as he got very involved in the work at hand. When the man who cares gave him a twenty dollar bill, he didn't know what to say.

"Great job. You earned this."

The worker's eyes teared up. "God bless you, Sir!"

The man who cares smiled and thought to himself, "God? God has nothing to do with it."

This Collapsing World

2011-10-28T09:10:00.001-07:00

He lost his mind,
hoping someone would find
what keeps him awake at night
and replace it with a lullaby.
If not, then his dreams
will get caught in the madness
of this collapsing world.

Joy Market

2011-10-27T11:14:00.001-07:00

We buy and sell joy, trading smiles for dollars. And when we are left feeling empty, we wonder why we have to buy more. It never lasts, by design. Only the joy from love lasts. And it can't be bought.

Mark My Words

2011-10-26T21:24:00.001-07:00

Mark my words with high-definition color and high-energy music. Mark my words silent and blaring. Mark my words with your love, calm and true. The message isn't getting through loud or clear. People are oblivious to truthfulness, dismissing it as a fluke in a forgotten world. I will wield my words with incisive precision, and I will not yield until this message is felt by the spirits of the world and kept in mind as we approach a higher level of consciousness. You want to know what this message is? The only way you'll come close to knowing is if you are willing to uncover the mysteries of these words, these linguistic portraits of profound spiritual knowledge which move through me like a melody felt yet unheard, this plethora of enigmatic letters that leave you listless yet somehow wanting more. Mark my words: You will wonder about what I say. Mark my words.

Now

2011-10-26T10:46:00.001-07:00

When I was younger, I sought something more; as I am older now, I seek nothing more. In fact, I want less. But this world won't allow me to simplify things. So I remain busy with a complicated life, hoping someday to be still.

Living

2011-10-24T20:47:00.001-07:00

I do not concern myself with
to be or not to be
questions.
I don't even worry about
to die or not to die
matters.
All I care about is whether I
live
or
live forever.

The Great Restoration

2011-10-24T20:42:00.001-07:00

The world is afraid of being itself,
frightened by its residents
and uncertain of its truth.

The world is tired of being changed-
depleted, polluted, disrupted.

It is time for the Great Restoration
of this weakened world.

Nature

2011-10-24T10:47:00.001-07:00

The greatest masterpiece is Nature, painted with ecological hues and biological shades, fashioned in the finest materials. We must preserve it like any other beautiful art; we must restore it when we fail at preservation.

Concise Is Nice

2011-10-21T08:06:00.001-07:00

The literal is not literary. The figurative is too abstract. The words escape me because they don't want to stay trapped.

This Not-So-Random Universe

2011-10-20T20:45:00.001-07:00

We are plotting our escape into another dimension. We slip out of consciousness and into something more comfortable. We exit through the sky. Stars are our footprints. People pray to us and they don't even know it. When we dream, the universe expands. You hear us in beautiful melodies; you see us in your lover's longing gaze. Give us the chance and we will make it good fortune. If you believe in yourself, you see us shining through your life. Welcome to this not-so-random universe.

Thinking

2011-10-20T10:52:00.001-07:00

The wisest words come from the most unlikely places, which is why you are rarely listening when they are spoken. If you had been listening, you wouldn't be so alone today.

He keeps books next to his bed because they will always be there for him.

I spent my childhood learning everything and my adulthood unlearning it all.

Alive on the Page

2011-10-19T11:06:00.001-07:00

Starlit and frost-bit, your words shivered down book spines, spinning and spiraling with chaotic twirls, fanciful thoughts taking flight as your love of language gripped us in literary wonder. You are alive on the page no matter how dead you are to the world.

Poetry

2011-10-17T16:30:00.001-07:00

My skin is a magnifying glass for the sun, leaving my blood boiling on sunny days. My eyes are telescopes bringing the stars that make up your spirit into view. My mind is an electrical storm, epileptic in its seizure of truth. I am the lowest denomination of God, but you can call me poetry.

You Bore Me

2011-10-17T05:15:00.001-07:00

If only it were years ago
when most things
were new and original,
then maybe there would be
reasons for curiosity.

Now we are all that's new,
and everything is boring.

Confident Reject

2011-10-15T20:40:00.001-07:00

He is the only person who knows how great he is, which makes him alone and rejected. What good is being who you are supposed to be, good and true, if the world doesn't like you? He has no idea why the world doesn't acknowledge his greatness, and he's not about to bother trying to convince them. So he'll just continue being a confident reject.

ExploiTV

2011-10-14T08:05:00.001-07:00

Your struggles are being broadcast on cable television. The ratings are high because everyone you wronged watches to gloat. You think it's reality TV, but it's all actually scripted by a writer who has it in for you. Change the channel or press mute however often you want; you can't stop people from watching, and it will never get canceled.

Equal

2011-10-13T20:51:00.001-07:00

We are all created equal; it just takes time and effort to see this equality. Often even people have trouble seeing themselves as equal to others. This is part of the reason the world struggles to realize their true equality. If they only knew their limitless potential and were willing to make it real, then maybe the entire world would finally achieve harmony.

This One

2011-10-13T10:47:00.001-07:00

This one goes out to the hopeless romantics and hopeful dreamers, that they might find solace in the aura of joy surrounding them.

This one goes out to the thinkers, that they might have no reason to think too hard.

This one goes out to you, that you might live a life worth living.

What If

2011-10-11T10:47:00.001-07:00

What if he had a dream and told no one about it? Would we still be where we are today?

What if he thought fighting solved every problem? Would there ever be any semblance of peace?

What if the wrong side prevailed? Would life be worth living?

Even Bad Apples

2011-10-10T18:20:00.001-07:00

Do you know the fear of most heartless men? It is being ineffectual. They cannot stand being powerless and having no effect on the world around them. Ignore them, and they will explode in some final attempts at horrific cruelty. Provided you survive their extreme acts of desperation, you will find that these heartless men fade into the history books, their horrendous deeds left to be judged by future generations, their heartlessness disappearing like disintegrating leaves in the fall. We will learn to be better people because we will avoid being as heartless as them. They feed into our futures just as decomposing leaves feed into ecology. There must be use for everything, even bad apples.

Balanced

2011-10-10T05:16:00.001-07:00

There is no more safety net. He must be careful from now on because there isn't anything that will save him as there has been in the past. He will try his best to survive even if that means a poverty of fun and an aversion to laziness. He will seek balance even if he is stumbling.

A Game

2011-10-08T22:54:00.001-07:00

It's a game to see if you can keep things balanced. We'll add more on and watch you take your best shot.

It's a game for you to play when your hands are idle and your thoughts are needless.

It's a game for you to play when tomorrow is already past.

Give Up

2011-10-07T08:15:00.001-07:00

He called a suicide prevention hotline expecting reasons to stay. All he found were questions as to why he would want to stay. They asked if he had anyone. He said he is alone. They told him to go to the hospital. He said he didn't have the energy to go anywhere. They gave up just as quickly as he did.

I Am

2011-10-06T20:58:00.001-07:00

I've got the password. I know the secret. I keep silent as people pursue truth. My understanding of the universe outweighs my knowledge of people. I don't know what is proper; I only know what feels right. I have hundreds of stories to tell but can only count on one hand who will listen. Dreams keep me awake; nightmares make me sleep. I am sick of being sick of you all. This world disappoints itself. I escape on a star shot to the moon. I have a darker side. My thoughts are heavy with conflict; my mood is light with calm. I take each day by itself, worrying not of tomorrow because now is all that counts. I am wise, pretending to be oblivious. I am.

When He...

2011-10-06T20:48:00.001-07:00

When his friend died, his only words were, "I thought we were going to live forever." When his girlfriend dumped him, his only words were, "I thought our love would last." When he lost his job, all he could say was, "I thought I was in it for the long haul." When he woke up from his dream, he sighed, "I knew it wouldn't last."

The Problem with Climbing

2011-10-06T11:04:00.001-07:00

He climbed the mountain
only to suffocate at its peak.
The newspapers said he knew
exactly what he was doing.
Now he will never climb another mountain.

Accepting Challenges

2011-10-04T10:49:00.001-07:00

Not many people know what I'm up against. They think it must be difficult working as hard and often as I do. But they don't realize how difficult life really is for me sometimes. If they knew the challenges I've faced and continue to face, they would not hold me to the same standards as the rest of the world. They would expect less of me. But I refuse to let it be that way. I reject special accommodations and treatment because I view myself as just like anybody else, and I try my best to make sure other people see me that way too. Ultimately, it makes my life quite difficult, but I don't regret it; I am proud of my perseverance and strength, even if it does remain unnoticed.

Live with Meaning

2011-10-03T05:16:00.001-07:00

It wasn't until facing death that he understood the meaning of life. It caused him to have too many regrets. But it would only last a moment longer. Then he would finally be at peace despite knowing that he didn't live with meaning.

Together/Apart

2011-10-01T15:53:00.001-07:00

Together
we will
rewrite
history.

Together
we will
decide
our fates.

Together
we will
determine
our destinies.

Apart
we will
forget
history.

Apart
we will
be fated
to never be.

Apart
we will
have no
destiny.

Now you know why
I cannot do this alone.

Good Tidings

2011-09-30T08:14:00.001-07:00

Could it be? Things are finally changing for the better? I was accustomed to climbing mountains; now I will appreciate standing atop hills. I am not boasting, but I have earned this. I worked hard and never gave up. I am grateful for my opportunities and can't wait to persist in doing well.

Laugh It Out

2011-09-29T10:46:00.001-07:00

I've got complicated thoughts stuck in my teeth and painful memories strangling my heart. When I tell you this, you say I'm being too serious. So I laugh it off as with embarrassing moments and defense mechanisms. Then you say you can't breathe with all the uncertainty caught in your throat. I tell you to chuckle it out. You've never laughed harder.